“Grief is the price of love.” – Valarie Kaur
What happens when an act of love changes everything? As part of the Revolutionary Love Bus Tour, we asked activists, artists, and community leaders this powerful question. For Carmen Perez, that moment came in the wake of unimaginable loss. When her sister was tragically taken in a car accident, Carmen’s family was faced with a choice: to seek vengeance or to choose love. What happened next was an act of forgiveness so profound that it reshaped Carmen’s life and activism forever.
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Valarie Kaur: The first person I get to introduce to you is an acclaimed activist. She leads the Gathering for Justice, she was the co-founder of the Women’s March, and she has been walking the path of community non-violence for as long as I’ve known her.
She’s a sister to my heart—we bond over what it is like to raise small children while doing this work. I’m so happy she’s here. Carmen Perez.
Carmen Perez: Dear friends,
I remember a time when everything changed for my family. It was January 16, 1994, at 4 AM, when a knock on the door shattered our world. My sister, Patricia, who was a day and two years older than me, was killed in a car accident. My parents had to identify her body.
The pain was unbearable. I could not eat, sleep, or talk.
Days later, the police returned to ask my parents if they wanted to press charges against the person who took her life. I stood by the door quietly, consumed by anger, grief, and confusion. I waited, unsure how my parents would respond—waiting for them to say, “Lock him up.”
Then something surprising happened. My parents turned to each other, whispered quietly, and my father, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, said:
“I can’t take another mother’s child away.”
In that moment, my parents chose love over vengeance. Love over anger.
They chose love over what others might call “justice.”
Their act of forgiveness wasn’t just for the person who took my sister’s life. It was for us, their children. And it was for themselves. It was for our family’s future.
They understood that whatever decision they made would follow us throughout our lives—especially mine, as the youngest, watching their every move.
Because of that act of love, I learned that even in the deepest pain, there is space for compassion. My parents showed me that love doesn’t erase the hurt, but rather, it gives us the strength to rise above it.
Their love gave me the courage to make an unimaginable choice. And that choice changed everything.
It taught me to channel my anger, my fears, my doubts into something greater than myself. To seek love and light, even in the darkest times, in the darkest places.
I want you to know that love—Agape love, Ubuntu love, In Lak’ech love, but especially Revolutionary Love— is a force stronger than anger, grief, or loss.
Love can heal us when nothing else can.
And often, it is the most unexpected acts of love that transform us the most—and give us the courage to change the world.
With love,
Carmen
This story of grief, loss, resilience, and Revolutionary Love is a reminder that even in our darkest moments, we have the power to choose compassion.
✨ What is the Revolutionary Love Bus Tour? The Revolutionary Love Bus Tour 2024-2025 is a healing odyssey across the United States, calling people to rise with courage, humanity, and love. Led by @valariekaurofficial, a globally recognized civil rights leader, lawyer, award-winning filmmaker, educator, and founder of our movement.
Learn more about Revolutionary Love here
✨ What is Grief in Revolutionary Love?
Grief is a core practice of the Revolutionary Love Compass. To grieve with others is to share their pain, without trying to minimize or erase it. Grieving with others requires a willingness to be transformed by their experiences, especially those who have suffered trauma and violence. Grieving collectively and in community gives us the information to build solidarity, to fight for justice, and even to share in one another’s joy.
✨ About Carmen Perez
Carmen Perez is a renowned activist, organizer, and co-founder of the Women’s March. As the president and CEO of The Gathering for Justice, she has dedicated her life to ending mass incarceration and racial injustice through nonviolence and love.
